Bed Day Helped ...

but not as much as I was hoping it would. I still have that area of pain in my lower back, along with the muscle spasms etc. I can move around a bit more without the sharp shooting pains, instead I get a twinge or nothing at all. So that is improvement, but it means I will have to spend another day in bed. I wish I had a lap top.

That's it for me, just wanted to hop in and let you know I am getting better, just slowly.

Bed Day and Poetry

Well I am definitely paying for the date on Sunday. The pain Sunday night was horrible and centered in my lower back (where the degenerated disk and herniated disk are), so that everytime I moved sharp pain shot through my whole lower back, pelvis, and up into the middle of my back. Not fun. This kept me up all night Sunday.

I managed to get 4 hours of sleep during the day Monday and when I woke up I felt okay. I could move without the shooting pains so I came into the living room to read email and blogs. Then I ate dinner at the dinner table. Apparently these were not good things to do because around 6PM last night my pain started going up and those shooting pains came back. I was up all night again because I just couldn't stay comfortable in any position long enough to actually sleep.

So today is a bed day, no chores or anything, in the hopes that a day of complete rest for my back will stop the symptoms I am having.

Despite all this pain, muscle spasms, and decreased mobility, I still think going out to dinner and raiding the book store was worth it.

While being awake last night I got the itch to write and these "poems" are what came out.

Reality...more terrifying than fiction
pain..consumes you
  swallows you whole
fills your days and nights
so even in a crowd
   always alone

no one truly understands
   suffering brings isolation
   alone, in the dark
no company
save pain


gnawing at the softest parts
   eating your heart and soul
   killing compassion
   destroying strength

alone
   to suffer in the dark

   tiny
    hurting
      tortured
       afraid

Reality
   not fiction
cold hard truth
  icy empty cell
   trapped in a body betrayed

In pain.



(needs quite a bit of work I think, but it made me feel better to write it)

And one more. (you can skip it if you want LOL)

Once Upon A Time...
   hopeful introduction
   stories thru all time

Cinderella, Snow White, Peter Pan et. al
   fantasy for fun
   dreams spun from a few words


Innocence looks to the future
   expecting happily ever after
   desiring...needing...wanting
   every emotion felt by man

Reality steps in
   fractures the fantasy
   destroys happily ever after

Life...a constant struggle
  to survive...to thrive
Hidden traps...ensnare
   body..betrays

Happily Ever After
   destroyed
Reality of pain
   fills the void.

(not sure I like either one, but they helped me feel a little better and stop the pity party for one I was having at 4AM this morning)

OK off to bed for the day. Oh fun! (NOT!)
  

Woo Hoo A Date!

Ron and I went out on a date tonight! We had a great dinner (Lobsterfest at Red Lobster) and then we went to the book store for new reading materials. We are both book lovers and never come out of a book store with just one book each. It was a lot of fun.

Due to increased pain, decreased mobility, and depression it has been at least a year (possibly two years) since we have gone out on a date. Despite my pain being at a 7, I decided to force myself to go anyway. I am very glad that I chose to go. It was wonderful to sit at the table, eat a delicious meal and be able to talk to each other without being interrupted. I've really missed being able to go out with Ron and enjoy it.

My pain is now at an 8.5 so I'm going to head to bed and read my new books!

Rain Rain Go Away

Its another rainy day here in the Sunshine State. So where's the sunshine? LOL

My pain is up today thanks to the rain, but I've still managed to do some chores. I have moved laundry, done dishes and am going to take a shower when I finish this post. I have continued to do chores every day and slowly the house is shaping up. It is beginning to look better than it has in a while and I am glad. I don't need my house to be sterile or anything, but I do like it to be a bit neater than it has been.

I had a nice long talk with Yoshi today. Gosh I really miss her. She seems to be quite happy in Wisconsin and I am glad of that, but it does feel really odd not to have her in the house. She is my best friend and having her living so far away hurts at the same time that I feel happy for her and proud of her and all that. This whole parenting thing is very confusing, lots of times where you get to feel two (or more) different emotions at the same time. Fun fun fun! LOL

Other than continuing to feel more awake and alive, continuing to take control of my house again, not much has been going on. I figured I'd post something quick just to let you all know I haven't disappeared or anything. I hope to do some stitching after my shower, while I let my back relax. Doing dishes hurts. lol

Being Awake Is Wonderful

I continue to feel much better, more awake, more *there* rather than just hanging around. I still have off days where I just don't feel like doing much, but they are nowhere near as frequent as they were (daily), and the sense of not caring doesn't last as long.

I am slowly working on getting back to running my house again. Keeping it cleaner, paying bills on time, doctor appointments as needed, keeping up with the laundry, etc. etc. All the things I was doing regularly a year ago. All things that lost any semblance of a routine as my depression deepened and intensified. Because of my back I have to take it slow which is more difficult because I want to get things done now, not later. This isn't to say that my house is filthy, my bills are all late or anything because I did do things when I had to, or when the clutter (there are 5 of us living here [we were 6 until 2 weeks ago when DD moved out] including a 2 yr old) got to be too much for me. But its not as clean as it could be, which makes it harder for DH to relax after a bad day at work because he comes home and sees the things that need to be done and rather than relaxing, he finds himself making mental "to do" lists. So now that I am feeling so much better and I want to reach my goal I continued to do chores today. All the laundry is done! Woo hoo!, checkbook is balanced (to the penny! YAY), hung up all of DH's work clothes as they came out of the dryer (so they won't get all wrinkly), did a full vacuuming on the living room. DH moved the furniture and I vacuumed. When my pain hit a 6.5 and I had that painful heavy stone in my lower back and both SI joints, I stopped and let DH fnish.

I took it a little easier today than yesterday because my pain level was up. A side affect to doing more is the pain goes up.But rather than sit around, watching tv and doing nothing (or reading my books in bed, I did a few chores to keep the momentum up.

I am awake right now because it started raining, which raised my pain level and I just couldn't get comfortable enough to fall asleep. I need to be up at 6AM, so when it hit 3AM and I was still awake, I decided to just stay up (even though now I am finally sleepy LOL) because if I sleep now I won't get up to my alarm. My sister-in-law has an appointment at 6:30AM today. Since they can't take Bridgette with them, someone needs to be awake in case she wakes up while they are gone. I volunteered to do that, so here I am LOL

Ron (DH) was telling me earlier today how happy he is to see me feeling so good again. Because the depression caused changes in my behavior to occur over a period of time, people around me adjusted to those changes as they occurred. So, like me, they also did not realize just how bad I had become. Ron was telling me that looking back on the last year the depressive symptoms are quite obvious, specially when he compares how I behaved then with how I am acting now. He says he is really glad that I am feeling so much better and that he loves it when I am happy. I teased him (of course) and said he was just glad that my sex drive had returned. He replied with "You'll be the death of me" and I said, at least you'll go out wih a smile and we both laughed. This made me realize that we are enjoying each others company the way we used to. Lots of sarcastic jokes, lots of cuddles, more talking with each other and all that stuff.

Ahh The Weekend!

Many people look forward to the weekend all week long because it is their time to relax and have some fun. Well this week worked the opposite way for me. I got quite a bit done today and I feel real good mentally/emotionally for having done it all. I got laundry done, folded and put away clean clothes, did picking up, emptying trash, balanced checkbook, put groceries away, changed sheets on the bed and more. It is nice to be able to do more around the house and for my family. As soon as my pain hit a 6 I stopped. I was surprised by how much I got done before I hit a 6.

My niece kicked my in the back (one foot hit my spine [lower lumbar] and the other hit the broken SI joint) and caused some major pain! I ended up in bed with an ice pack for a while. The ice pack and my meds helped lower the pain again, though I am now hovering around a 7. She doesn't know what she was doing so I couldn't be real angry with her, but it did take me a few seconds to recognize that fact.

Well that's all I can think of right now, so I'm off to bed early tonight!

World Wide RSD Angel Month

March 1, 2010 through March 31 is World Wide RSD Angel Month. Sufferers of RSD live with chronic pain, mobility issues and more! They deserve support and to have more research done into this disease. It can strike at any age and doesn't care about religion, race, gender, or income.

Please visit http://www.rsdcrpsdoesntownme.com to learn more and pass it on!

Even though I do not suffer from RSD I believe that educating others about this disease can only help those who do live with it. I read many blogs from people who suffer with chronic pain and some of them do indeed live with RSD. RSD stands for Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. For more information please visit http://www.neurologychannel.com/rsd/index.shtml

Same Stuff Different Day

Today has been a fairly decent day despite the slightly higher pain level in my pelvis. My knee is feeling better and I managed to sleep for 6 hours last night. The swelling has gone down, as has the pain. It still hurts, but nowhere near as bad!

I had my doctor's visit today and saw the new physician's assistance that joined the practice. He seems like a very nice guy! He actually listened to me, which I really appreciated. That is a major pet peeve of mine, doctors who just don't listen to what their patients are telling them. In pain management the doctor has to rely on what their patient tells them because every person experiences pain differently. What is massive pain for one person, is not as bad for another. I get the diagnostic for radio frequency next Wednesday, so here's hoping I can get the RF itself done before June. I doubt it as my next appointment isn't until June and they didn't schedule a follow up for after the diagnostic. But I am hoping that when the diagnostic is over I can call the office to request they schedule the procedure or give me an earlier appointment so I can get scheduled.

The only bad thing with the P.A. was that he told me RF shouldn't need to be repeated at all. That it destroys the nerves and they do not grow back. So I did some more research to see if my information was outdated and found that he was wrong. The nerves do regenerate and can take anywhere from 9 months to two years. Some patients get relief that lasts for 2 years, but I am not one of them sadly. I only get between 6 to 8 months and it has been 8 months. So I printed out the article and intend to give it to the P.A. for his information.

While doing my research I also found out the name of the procedure for doing RF on the SI joints! It is slightly different than for the facet joints on the vertebrae, but it can be done! Woo Hooo! I plan on giving this information to my doctor and see if he can do the SI joint also. I can only imagine how much lower my pain will be if they can do the SI joints as well as the bad disks. It would be wonderful to have the lower pain level again!

Other than the doctor's office and some stitching while I was there, I haven't done much today. I read my email, read the blogs, posted here and in my stitching blog and that was it. It is hard to do a lot when your pelvis hurts.

Well I'm going to go sit in bed and stitch!

Want to see something beautiful?

Isn't she just beautiful! I finally got her to smile for a picture and she just lit up. I couldn't resist cropping the original to get a closeup of her face. She was looking up at her mom and saying "cheese" then giggled and it's just perfect! All of these pics can be clicked to see them full size.

Now for some beautiful eyes...

Ohh those baby blues just make my heart melt!

She got her first skinned knees playing outside today and all evening she has been very happy to show off her boo-boos and asking for kisses. I couldn't resist and took a picture!

awwww poor baby!

Now you know one of the things that makes me smile every day no matter how I feel.

Ashes ashes we all fall down!

I got to enjoy (add sarcasm to that "enjoy") a different pain for the next few days. Fun fun fun! not! LOL

Seriously, one of my toes got tangled in a power cord and I took a hard fall. This, of course, made my back and pelvis very unhappy but not as unhappy as they'd have been if I had landed on my hip or buttocks. Instead I landed real hard on my right knee. For some reason my hands did not get in front of me quick enough to break the fall. The pain was so bad that it actually made me light-headed and nauseous. I didn't break anything because I can bend it and I can walk on it, but it is going to have a spectacular bruise and it has swollen up a little. It is not extremely bad or anything and since I already take pain medication I was able to treat the pain simply by taking my bedtime dose.

Prior to the fall my back had been feeling much better since the rain cleared out. So Friday I was able to move around more. I paid bills, did some laundry, finished the taxes, did some general picking up and folded laundry. I also cooked half of dinner. In between all that there was playing with Bridgette. She has started to enjoy drawing pictures (well she scribbles lol). She likes it when we draw something for her so I was drawing shapes (hearts, squares, circles etc) and letters for her and she was naming them. She will tell you what to draw on the paper and get real happy when you do it.

I didn't sleep very well Friday night so Saturday was a real quiet day. I kept trying to get more than 20-30 minutes of sleep. I finally got a few hours and called it good. Then I did my computer stuff: blogs, email, and facebook. I watched some TV and went to bed to read. In between I played with Bridgette as usual. She is so cute! I took the fall when I headed to the kitchen for more ice water. So I ended up sitting in bed, knee raised and sat an ice pack on it while I read my book. When it calmed down I pulled out my stitching and stitched for a while. I've been up all night due to pain and after laying down for over an hour and staying awake I gave up and came out to the living room and downloaded my email.

See? my life is boring boring boring. Same stuff different day. LOL



I had a wonderful talk with my daughter via yahoo IM Saturday afternoon. Her boyfriend has officially asked her to move in and she said yes! She is a lot like me though and tends to over-think things and when something emotional arises she can do a very good job of winding herself up with "what ifs", "maybes" and "buts". This is a big deal for her as it will be her first time living this far away from me by choice. So there is some homesickness going on. As well there are all the normal fears that arise when one leaves home for the first time. She was very worried that her thoughts and emotions were somehow abnormal or wrong. So we talked about her thoughts and feelings for a while and they were all perfectly normal for the situation. I told her to trust her instinct as they are usually correct and to try not to drive herself crazy by focusing so much on the very normal fears that come with moving out of your parents' house.

So far she has nothing negative to say about where she is living. In fact she says that her back actually feels better up there (Wisconsin) than it usually does here in Florida. I think the humidity has something to do with that, as well as the fact that we get alot of air pressure changes due to storms coming in off the Gulf. Wisconsin doesn't get those pressure changes so frequently as she is not living on the shore of an ocean. She says she loves the restaurants, museums, etc around their apartment and so far the people she has run into have all seemed very nice. She has also met his parents and really likes them as well.

I am so proud of her and so happy for her. Her relationship with T makes her very happy and he treats her very well. He sees her for the wonderful person she is, not just her back and pain. I wish them both all the happiness they deserve!

I am missing Sam though. She is not just my daughter, she is also my best friend. We have been through a lot together and as a result we have a very close and very strong emotional bond with one another. When she was younger I would worry about how I would handle her teen years, expecting there to be friction as she pulled away and rebelled. But due to the many issues she struggled with she did her rebelling early so when she hit her teen years we grew closer together rather than further apart. She talks to me about anything and everything she wants to and I treasure that relationship. I treasure the fact that she trusts me, is open with me, and is honest with me. I feel very blessed to know that she wants to talk with me so much and share her life with me instead of feeling like she has to keep everything to herself in order to appear independent.

I do not see us drifting away from each other just because she now lives in another state. We can still talk with each other as much as we want via telephone, email, IM programs, and blogs. I will miss her coming into my room to talk to me just as I am getting ready to try to sleep (she has perfect timing as she always seems to want to talk late at night LOL). She knows I will always be there for her and I am just a phone call away and she can call at any time.

Sam, you have turned into a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful young woman. I am very proud of you and I love you very very much! No matter how far away you are I will always be with you and you will always be with me. We are in each other's hearts so no matter where we are physically, we carry a piece of each other with us wherever we go. You can do this sweetheart, I know you can! I love you!

And the rain comes down..the pain goes up!

It's been raining off and on today, which causes my SI joint to swell and my pain to rise. YAY! not. I've caught up with blog reading and email reading and now I'm at a 7, even though I took my medication. I will be going back to bed after I post this.

My depression continues to be better, which gives me a lot of energy and desire to do things. Of course this happens during the few months that the radio frequency wore off and my pain levels are higher so I can't do stuff, not even what I usually do. This leaves me feeling rather frustrated because my mind wants to do stuff and my body can't. This is usually the worst time for me becuase it is when I am apt to push myself or do something that I know I shouldn't do just to make that need feel a bit better. So I am trying to keep myself occupied mentally so that (hopefully) I won't do something I shouldn't and hurt myself.

I had a nice long talk with my friend simi yesterday. I have missed talking with her over the last month. Sadly we were playing phone tag. It was wonderful to talk with her though, she means so much to me. She is having a rough time right now with her lower back and hip so I am worried about her. She has a wonderful doctor helping her though, so that's a good thing.

I talked with Sam today. She is hurting pretty bad because she has been pretty active so far with her boyfriend (playing the wii, going out and such) so she sounded a bit down today. But she was her usual chatty self even with the slight down tone in her voice. She seems to be having a decent time up there so far. She apparently called early today while I was asleep (slept from 10AM to 1:45PM) and ended up talking with her brother Kyle for a while. She surprised me by telling me she enjoyed their conversation and missed him. Apparently he misses her as well and told her that he wants to buy her a newer soul caliber game to replace the one he lost a few years ago. She was very touched by this and told him he didn't have to, but he said he really wanted to do it. That was very sweet of him!

I'm going to take my pain to bed and get some stitching done. I have to remember to take a picture for my stitching blog LOL

Day To Day

Well I had my first bought of pain induced insomnia since I started taking Pristiq. Not bad considering it was my first in 5 weeks I believe. But it did depress me because it always takes me a few days (to a couple weeks) to get my sleeping schedule back on track. I hope I managed to do that last night. I slept BEFORE the sun came up and woke at 8:30 this morning, YAY ME!! Now to see if I can make it through the day without a nap. *fingers crossed*

I stitched a little this weekend, not as much as I wanted to, due to sleeping most of the day Sunday but a little. I didn't take a picture for my stitching blog because I didn't get much done. I managed to finish the few roses above the rabbit. Hopefully I will stitch tonight and get pics up for tomorrow.

My keyboard was kinda sorta murdered Saturday. I love those ergonomic split keyboards because they do not hurt my wrists or fingers as much as the standard straight keyboards do. However on Saturday my neice decided my keyboard was tired...so she fed it half a cup of coffee (complete with creamer and sugar). The keyboard did not handle that well so it died. Now I am on a straight keyboard which hurts my wrists and fingers, but I just don't have the money for a new ergonomic one. They have become hard to find and expensive and since I have 4 people in the house who need all new wardrobes (2 grew upwards and 2 out {myself one of those who grew out lol}) I am having to save my money to buy new clothes.

Speaking of new clothes, I can't believe what size my DS now takes! He's always been an off size and very skinny, which made finding clothes that fit him correctly very difficult in the pants department. It got even harder after Wal-Mart stopped carrying "slender" size pants. So we figured we would measure his waist and inseam to see if he is finally big enough to buy jeans from the men's department. I was FLABBERGASTED to see his measurements..30 inch waist and 26.5 inch inseam! He is so skinny that I never thought he'd be over a 26 inch waist, but he is. Due to the cut of Wrangler jeans he ended up with 29 x 30 and they fit him very well! He was so happy to be able to get jeans that fit him all the way around without having to try on 20 different pairs. So he got 2 pairs, two shirts, underwear, socks and two belts. basically 2 whole new outfits!

Since it is 4 people we are buying two complete outfits for 3 of them with each paycheck. Since I am the 4th and can't go to the stores anymore (it just hurts too much) I am holding off on my clothes until I finally get the radio frequency done again and can go to the store myself. My dear neice got two adorable outfits and my SIL Stephanie also got 2 outfits (plus underthings). Everyone seemed very happy with it!

I've done some housework, a spot of directional cooking *means I give directions, someone else cooks and I check up on it once in a while*. With the radio frequency having worn off I am having to take it very easy and I hate it!

Last week was a rough week because my DD left to go to Wisconsin. She will be spending at least a month with her boyfriend. It is, in part, a way of seeing if they can live together. If the answer is yes then she will either return home and plan to move, or just stay there and eventually come back for the rest of her stuff. Beacuse of the possibility that she may stay there, I wanted to spend time with her. So we locked ourselves in her room and spent all day Thursday (day before she left) together. We stitched, talked, watched Law and Order Criminal Intent on Netflix, laughed and just enjoyed each other's company. It was a truly wonderful day together!

When she left on Friday, I cried afterwards. The idea that she may be moving out is both a good thing and a sad thing. Good because she is almost 22 years old and is itching to live on her own like any adult wishes to do. Good because despite our very close relationship she is not tied to her mother's side and still wants to be independant. Good because she has a wonderful guy who treats her very well. Sad because, well she's my baby and it is hard to let go even when you know it is the right thing to do. She has been through so much and I have always been there by her side, every step of the way..through hell and back a few times and part of me wants to hold on forever, protect her, shelter her and all of that. But that is the wrong thing to do and I know it. So, I just made sure she knows how proud of her I am, how much I love her and how much she means to me before she left. Not that I didn't do that before, but I wanted her last words before leaving from me to be all the wonderful things I feel about her so she will always have that conversation to think about on those days when she needs a little pick me up. Everyone has off days, and having something nice to think about can be very helpful on those days.

Well I'm going to keep moving laundry (second load underway), chat with DD on Yahoo IM and stitch!

Thank you all for reading and commenting, it always makes me smile!