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Thursday, January 24, 2013

New Poems

I'm not sure how good this is, but I got bit by the need to write about 10 minutes ago (it is 9:01 AM, 1/22/13). So I opened a word document and started. After a bit of tweaking this is what came out. I am very pleased because this is how I used to write. Get that feeling of "needing" to write, right waiting. Grab paper and a pen/pencil/whatever and just let the words come. When I had written enough for that feeling to go away I would then look over what I wrote and edit things. Sometimes it was an essay that came out, other times a poem (or multiple poems)..they just tended to pop into my head all ready to go, all I had to do was write them down. I doubt I follow any "rules" of poetry, but that doesn't seem to be the point. The point seems to be to try and put my emotions into prose as accurately as I can. 

I've been struggling for the last 12 years to be able to write the way I used to. It is finally starting to come back. That status I posted the other day about pain taking bites out of those who suffer from it, was written because the need popped up. I've had the need pop up more in the last couple weeks than it had in the last 12 years. Anyway, this isn't perfect but I do like it, so I thought I'd share it. This came about because I have been asked how/why I would willingly allow apathy and depression to take over, why I would give up and just dissociate. This seems to be how my mind wants to answer those questions for right now. Another thought that keeps popping up is that, in part, it is a rest period. A time for me to just stop fighting and allow my batteries to recharge, so to speak. It takes a great deal of energy and effort, conscious effort (both mental and emotional), to push through the pain and try to live some semblance of a life. It takes a lot more effort than many people realize, want to believe, or even consider. Sadly only those who also live with constant pain/illness seem to truly understand it fully. So I'm guessing that this poem/prose/whatever you want to call it, is an attempt to help people understand, or to at least help them try to understand. 

Darkness Brings Relief
Author: M. Hull (Jan. 22, 2013)

Into the darkness my heart has fallen
                Feelings forgotten
                                body ignored

Nothing penetrates the blackness surrounding
                floating lost in the void
Neither emotional nor physical pain can reach
                deep into the darkness
                Inky depths that protect so sweet

Apathy wraps gentle wings about me
     pulling me in with whispers of peaceful serenity
                promises of relief

Snuggling in deeply
                an escape desperately sought
                a coldness quickly wrought
                yet the heart and soul care not
For the darkness  
brings relief to a desperate soul

Immune to the cold which surrounds me
Chilling self and those around me
Creating an icy boundary
few dare to cross

Leaving me to comfortably wallow
                free floating
                at peace

Deep within the darkness
 the darkness which brings relief

Ignorant of the blackness about me
Unaware of life’s buzz without me
Floating in quiet solitude
Dissociated from the world
mind and soul freed from the hell
the hell of my own flesh

With silken cords does the darkness bind me
                a willing captive
                a slave to darkness’s relief


Not too bad I don't think. I'm just glad to start having that need to write that has been apart of my life since I was a kid finally coming back. 

P.S.: To remmy and Sterling This one is for you two for helping me find a way to get my writing back. Thank you both so very much for your ideas, they really did make a major difference! and, as always For Ron, my soul mate and biggest supporter. Thank you for everything you've given to and done for me!

Below are a couple other poems/prose that came to me. This one is definitely not done, but when I got that far my mind jumped to a different direction/wording and I moved to that. It seems to have worked much better because that poem is pretty much complete, just needs a final edit, but I'm going to post it anyway.

Through trial and error

And life altering mistakes

I hoped, dreamed and prayed

That some day

Some day

I would find the one whom I sought

The one  completes me

Making me whole

As his love filled my soul


The second one, which popped up so fast and urgently that it overrode the
first one completely LOL It's not done, but I'm so sleepy I can't figure out
where it needs changed LOL

With each day I lived through
continuing to breathe
I tempted the fates
To deny what I need

Mistakes in my past
errors in judgment
Love which didn't last
as I wept silent tears
the holes in my heart and soul
ached and cried out
loneliness vast

Through bruises, tears, hurt and pain
through trials, errors, and things full of shame knocking me to my knees
again and again I fought on, seeking that one

Yet something within me refused to quit
I couldn't give ground, give up or give in

From the ashes I rose again

I fought on
Stronger than before
Determined to win

seeking that one

that could fulfill me from within

Then the day came that I opened my door
You stood on the stoop with a smile
Our eyes locked and our nerve endings
all at once ..cried out that w be together at once

As my heart filled with desire
My soul rose ever higher

A quick second or two
That lasted forever
As our hearts grew together
and our souls entwined
And I  knew at once, my dream
                was realized

Just a fleeting second in time
Every fiber of my being screamed together
letting me know you must..always...
             be mine

Despite obstacles barring our way
We held on until that fateful day
when at last, the two became one

As we lay together, limbs intertwined
Our souls touched each other
filling the holes in our hearts
With a love for all time


Sunday, January 13, 2013

The Voracious Beast Of Pain

The worst part of living with chronic pain, is not the physical pain, nor the psychological pain that comes with it. It is the knowledge that every day a tiny piece of your heart and soul are devoured by the pain, never to return. Pain is hungry, never satisfied and over time it grows worse as whatever injury or illness causes the pain progresses and worsens. Each bite it swallows is a tiny bit larger than the last. Being eaten alive daily by a monster with a voracious appetite that can not be seen, touched, heard, felt, or smelled by others; only the sufferer's 5 senses are totally aware of it., While others walk away from, judge, ridicule, or (do) worse to their friend or loved one who now has a chronic illness or chronic pain condition, taking with them another little piece of the sufferer. With each negative word, each snide comment, they steal another small piece; never realizing the damage they are doing and have done. They can't. They can't put themselves in our shoes. Why not? It's quite simple, because to accept that a human being can continue to live day in and day out in extreme pain every day is absolutely terrifying; if it can happen to their friend/loved on then it can happen to them. Things that terrify people are things the people chose to actively (and some with great vigor) go out of their way to put down, minimize, marginalize and ignore. Why? Because it could be them. People despise what they fear, they always have and so they must vilify it; make it evil and wrong in the eyes of other people. As a result we are called malingerers, players, addicts, lazy, manipulators who just want to live off of other's, mentally disturbed and so much more. People are terrified of having their own frailty and mortality held in front of them like a mirror. No one wants to be reminded that their bodies will not always be strong and healthy, that they will grow old and weak and eventually die. To admit that this occurs, is to face the fear of not just death, but the terror that death is the end and there is nothing more. That their body is just as frail and prone to infection, injury or disease as the bodies' of the millions of chronically ill people and those who suffer with chronic pain every day. That they are not immune and it could be them one day. The fear is overwhelming and rather than face it and open their hearts and minds to the true compassion that does exist in every human (there is always a good to balance a bad; not everyone utilizes both sides of the self..usually just one or the other) being, they run from it and do everything they can to make it impossible within their own minds to even consider that a disabled/illl/suffering person did not bring it upon themselves; or they do their best to just ignore the disabled/ill/suffering person as a liar. For them, it is easier to live with the self-delusion than to open their hearts and minds to truly care for the sufferings of others. But I digress...

The pain, it is a insatiable beast, devouring pieces of it's victim every day. Taking away their strength, will to survive, and lastly hope for even a 1 minute respite.What happens when it is all gone, when the beast has eaten the last shred of hope? When the pain has finally eaten that last sliver we die, and we do so with thanks that the pain is finally over. This can be either a physical death, or a mental/emotional one where the sufferer's mind (totally overwhelmed and completely exhausted) gives up the fight and just leaves the body; leaving the sufferer comatose, catatonic, totally dissociating or pushes them to take their own life because nothing is left for them. Their hope is gone and only further suffering remains.

Before that point, we struggle; day in and day out to survive. Knowing that chronic pain has been scientifically proven to shorten the lifespan, shrink the size of one's brain, create secondary medical conditions (high blood pressure, heart issues, autonomic nervous system dysfunctions. etc) not to mention the damage of the meds we have to take just to be able to sit upright without screaming. We are not addicts. We are prisoners of our own bodies that are sick, or broken. Yet people need a scapegoat, someone to blame and it is (and always has been) easy for human beings to turn on the weakest, most vulnerable members of the group. After children, who are the most vulnerable members of a society? The sick, injured or disabled. Those who do not have the energy and mental strength to maintain the sustained and continuous battle that would be necessary to earn the respect we deserve just for being human beings.

Why is such a battle even needed? Don't we have enough fo a fight on our hands trying to make it through each day with a disabling illness or crippling pain?

How long can one survive this way? I do not know, but I do know this, when the time comes that my life ends, I will be thankful. No matter what awaits us after we die; be it new life, eternal life in heaven, or nothing at all (just wink out *pft* gone), the pain will be gone and peace will replace it (or just nothing, which still means no more pain, no nothing, gone..over).

Constant, never-ending pain, is a voraciously hungry, insatiable monster that eats its' victims a tiny bite at a time.

Many times I wonder, after so many years, how many bites are left in me?

I'm not sure....but I feel like I am down to just a few measly crumbs.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Poems From Pain

I wrote three poems the other night, one after the other. They're written on the back of envelopes because when the need to write them hit, it was extremely urgent and didn't want to wait until I found my poetry journal. I used to write a lot, but lost the desire during an abusive relationship in which I was ridiculed, yelled at, and physically "punished" for writing. Since then writing has become very difficult for me.

I realize I have been gone for a very long time from my blogs and I am sorry for that. I finally have some idea as to what happened with me and as my thoughts settle down, I will eventually write and describe what happened. I am sure I am not the only chronic pain patient who has reacted the way I did, specially those who have dealt with chronic pain for many many years.

Anyway, here are the three poems I wrote the night before last. These poems are copyrighted to me and can not be reprinted, re-posted, downloaded, or used in any manner by anyone else, without my consent.

The Bottomless Pit
© M. Hull Jan. 2, 2013

Lost in the depths of darkness
The bowels of despair
This bottomless pit...
How did I get here?

Stuck,at the bottom of a deep well
Looking up for any sign of light
  none to be seen

How did I get here?
Praying, wishing, hoping to be saved
   prayers... unanswered
   wishes ...a fool's errand
   Hope...fades to nothing
   nothing left here
   a barren heart
   desiccated soul

As day after day..
   week after week
   month after month
   year after year
pain tears at my soul
    ripping it to shreds
   devours my heart
   destroys what little is left of me

still I wonder..
How did I get here?

I fought for years beyond counting
holding tight to hope
   ...all for nothing

Now here I sit, deep in this pit
   this pit of despair
   with pain my only company

How did I get here?

I got here through hours, days, weeks, months...years
   unending pain
   increasing disability
It took all I held dear away from me
all abilities...gone

until all that was left...

Is this pit of despair


Darkness of Despair
M. Hull © Jan. 2, 2013

I am lost
here in the dark

Pain is all I feel

Pain I fought for years
The fight in me is no more
why bother?
  I can not win
   The pain always overwhelms me
   the dark always surrounds me
   until I am drowning
   the fight washed away


Nothing to see or hear
my cries for help go nowhere
   for there is no help, no succor, no healing
   this pain will never end

stuck forever... lost forever
drowning in the tears of pain
deep within the the darkness of despair

Grip Of Apathy
M. Hull © 2013

Cold fingers of apathy
reach out and grab me
pulling me down
   into the abyss

No struggle can beat this
no strength can break it's grip
try as hard as I can always fails


into the deepest darkest pit of despair
swallowed whole

Now I live there.


Basically what happened is pretty simple, and so dang common for those who live with constant pain or illness. With the Cymbalta came slightly lowered pain levels. This allowed me to begin to get an actual life back. A life where I could go to the store, go visit friends, go swimming, even go away for a weekend with my DH and have a blast. I was able to cook a few nights a week, do some cleaning every day. Pain crisises became rare as the medication removed the intensity, th sharpness of my pain. Yes I still hurt, but it wasn't as sharp or intense as without the Cymbalta. I got used to this , loved it and threw myself into it with great relief and happiness.

Then came a medication screw up thanks to insurance. So I had to go 2 weeks wihtout Cymbalta. As a result my blood level dropped and my pain went back to its usual 8-10 every day, with the same old sharpness and intensity (butcher knives stabbing the joints instead of a fist in a boxing pain instead of dull) and I ended up back in bed. It took 6 weeks to get the Cymbalta back up to proper blood level. But even then it was too late, I had lost my "new life" even though it was still at the beginning. This hurt soooooo much, to get some back and to lose it again.

I gave up. I no longer wanted to fight back. I was tired of the emotional hurt that comes with losing the new friends you made, losing the ability to do things, losing the lower pain levels etc. etc. So I stopped trying.

It took me until yesterday to figure out what was going on, and it didn't start bothering me until a couple weeks ago. Prior to that I was perfectly happy to be stuck in apathy and doing nothing. It is safer.

That's pretty much it. Hopefully I can write more in depth about it.