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Thursday, January 24, 2013

New Poems

I'm not sure how good this is, but I got bit by the need to write about 10 minutes ago (it is 9:01 AM, 1/22/13). So I opened a word document and started. After a bit of tweaking this is what came out. I am very pleased because this is how I used to write. Get that feeling of "needing" to write, right waiting. Grab paper and a pen/pencil/whatever and just let the words come. When I had written enough for that feeling to go away I would then look over what I wrote and edit things. Sometimes it was an essay that came out, other times a poem (or multiple poems)..they just tended to pop into my head all ready to go, all I had to do was write them down. I doubt I follow any "rules" of poetry, but that doesn't seem to be the point. The point seems to be to try and put my emotions into prose as accurately as I can. 

I've been struggling for the last 12 years to be able to write the way I used to. It is finally starting to come back. That status I posted the other day about pain taking bites out of those who suffer from it, was written because the need popped up. I've had the need pop up more in the last couple weeks than it had in the last 12 years. Anyway, this isn't perfect but I do like it, so I thought I'd share it. This came about because I have been asked how/why I would willingly allow apathy and depression to take over, why I would give up and just dissociate. This seems to be how my mind wants to answer those questions for right now. Another thought that keeps popping up is that, in part, it is a rest period. A time for me to just stop fighting and allow my batteries to recharge, so to speak. It takes a great deal of energy and effort, conscious effort (both mental and emotional), to push through the pain and try to live some semblance of a life. It takes a lot more effort than many people realize, want to believe, or even consider. Sadly only those who also live with constant pain/illness seem to truly understand it fully. So I'm guessing that this poem/prose/whatever you want to call it, is an attempt to help people understand, or to at least help them try to understand. 

Darkness Brings Relief
Author: M. Hull (Jan. 22, 2013)

Into the darkness my heart has fallen
                Feelings forgotten
                                body ignored

Nothing penetrates the blackness surrounding
                floating lost in the void
Neither emotional nor physical pain can reach
                deep into the darkness
                Inky depths that protect so sweet

Apathy wraps gentle wings about me
     pulling me in with whispers of peaceful serenity
                promises of relief

Snuggling in deeply
                an escape desperately sought
                a coldness quickly wrought
                yet the heart and soul care not
For the darkness  
brings relief to a desperate soul

Immune to the cold which surrounds me
Chilling self and those around me
Creating an icy boundary
few dare to cross

Leaving me to comfortably wallow
                free floating
                at peace

Deep within the darkness
 the darkness which brings relief

Ignorant of the blackness about me
Unaware of life’s buzz without me
Floating in quiet solitude
Dissociated from the world
mind and soul freed from the hell
the hell of my own flesh

With silken cords does the darkness bind me
                a willing captive
                a slave to darkness’s relief


Not too bad I don't think. I'm just glad to start having that need to write that has been apart of my life since I was a kid finally coming back. 

P.S.: To remmy and Sterling This one is for you two for helping me find a way to get my writing back. Thank you both so very much for your ideas, they really did make a major difference! and, as always For Ron, my soul mate and biggest supporter. Thank you for everything you've given to and done for me!

Below are a couple other poems/prose that came to me. This one is definitely not done, but when I got that far my mind jumped to a different direction/wording and I moved to that. It seems to have worked much better because that poem is pretty much complete, just needs a final edit, but I'm going to post it anyway.

Through trial and error

And life altering mistakes

I hoped, dreamed and prayed

That some day

Some day

I would find the one whom I sought

The one  completes me

Making me whole

As his love filled my soul


The second one, which popped up so fast and urgently that it overrode the
first one completely LOL It's not done, but I'm so sleepy I can't figure out
where it needs changed LOL

With each day I lived through
continuing to breathe
I tempted the fates
To deny what I need

Mistakes in my past
errors in judgment
Love which didn't last
as I wept silent tears
the holes in my heart and soul
ached and cried out
loneliness vast

Through bruises, tears, hurt and pain
through trials, errors, and things full of shame knocking me to my knees
again and again I fought on, seeking that one

Yet something within me refused to quit
I couldn't give ground, give up or give in

From the ashes I rose again

I fought on
Stronger than before
Determined to win

seeking that one

that could fulfill me from within

Then the day came that I opened my door
You stood on the stoop with a smile
Our eyes locked and our nerve endings
all at once ..cried out that w be together at once

As my heart filled with desire
My soul rose ever higher

A quick second or two
That lasted forever
As our hearts grew together
and our souls entwined
And I  knew at once, my dream
                was realized

Just a fleeting second in time
Every fiber of my being screamed together
letting me know you must..always...
             be mine

Despite obstacles barring our way
We held on until that fateful day
when at last, the two became one

As we lay together, limbs intertwined
Our souls touched each other
filling the holes in our hearts
With a love for all time


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