Another side effect of chronic pain is insomnia. It is horrible when it shows up in the manner it has shown tonight. I'm tired and sleepy, but the pain running accross my lower back (at waist height) and the pain in both SI joints (deep throbbing ache with shooting stabbing pains down both legs) keeps me awake. Laying down hurts after a few minutes as does standing, sitting, leaning against a wall, any position. Being awake in the middle of the night just throbbing with pain and wishing it would go away is very demoralizing, disheartening and depressing. Being like this in the middle of the night is the hardest to deal with for me. It's lonely and the dark is opressive. Sometimes it makes me feel like I am the only person in the world and that is terrifying.
Many feelings and thoughts that occur when I am stuck in a period of high pain levels do not make sense, they are not logical. Trying to force them to make sense doesn't work sometimes, though speaking those illogical (even crazy sounding) thoughts and emotions does make it better. The release of putting them out there, getting them outside of my head and heart, outside of *me* somehow ..that does help a great deal. Like the pain, these thoughts tend to repeat themselves over and over and I am sure that my depression is only making this cycle worse.
It is only 12:15 AM (central time USA) but I can already tell that I will not sleep very well tonight. I really do want to find a hole and just crawl in and hide if I can leave my pain outside of the hole. 15 minutes pain free would be marvelous! F*** I would settle for 5 minutes without pain.
Sitting here typing through tears is not fun at all. Lets see..positive..something positive...hmmmm..
I am grateful to have a husband who loves and supports me even with my physical issues.
I am grateful to have children who love me.
I am grateful to have good friends who love and care about me.
I am grateful that I can still walk even if it does hurt me to do so.
I am grateful that I have surpassed the doctor's statements about needing a wheelchair by 5 years and counting (in 1999 I was told I'd be in a wheelchair within 5 years..so far I can still walk).
Ok time to try to sleep again.
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Love Green!
7 years ago
Love, if I have slept the night before, wake me and let me sit with you...just forgive me if I try to speak and confabulate several topics into one sentence
ReplyDeleteSeriously if your having a night when you feel your all alone in the world, come to me, wake me gently..let me hold you and talk wiht you and make the darkness receed...who knows...perhaps in that moment when the darkness subsides you will find the ease to sleep..