Anger and Frustration

There is one side effect that chronic pain causes and that is the feelings of anger and frustration. Anger that the pain interrupts your life. Anger that it is there all the time. Anger that it gets worse sometimes for no reason at all, it just does. Frustration because you can't do all the things you used to do and worse you can't do everything you want to do right now. Things that used to be important to you, have to become less important or it will drive you crazy because you can't do those things.

My pain level is pretty high today and it feels like it is going to get worse before it gets better. Right now I am at a 7 (2:45 PM central time) and both joints popped a few minutes ago leaving me with that deep throbbing pain and occasional stabbing pains shooting out from the joint. The muscles in my left buttock and the back of my left thigh are jumping around and twitching with spasms, occasionally causing numbness and tingles to shoot down my leg all the way to the ankle. Though I do find it rather amusing when my leg kicks out without my telling it to.

I try to find it funny and think of things like the Rocketts and how they all kick in synch with each other. When the bones pop I will mumble "snap crackle pop..riced missy" or "snap crackle pop f*** you too". I do find it amusing that my body makes such weird noises and how others can hear it and then give me funny looks. Once when I was in Wal Mart and as I walked I could feel the bones grinding against each other and popping and snapping. I noticed someone doing a double take as I went by so I turned my head and looked; there were 5 or so people just watching me with these "WTF?" looks on their faces. I asked the closest one why and she said "you sound like Rice Krispies or something". I explained what it was and was a bit shocked to realize that it was loud enough for other people to hear. But that is where I got the rice krispies jingle from. It is not easy to keep a positive outlook though.

I'm tired. I am so tired of fighting this every day. I'm tired of looking around my house and seeing all the things that need to get done and not being able to do them. I just want to scream, throw things, give up; but I can't. I'm tired of not being able to do all the things I want to do for my children and now my niece. It rips my heart open everytime I have to tell her that I can't hold her because I hurt too much. This also reminds me of having to tell my son the same thing when he was little. Luckily though, children are adjustable and they usually adjust to being cuddled and held only when I am sitting down rather than when I am standing up. This is the compromise I had to make so I can still cuddle the little ones, and not increase my pain too much by doing so. There are days where I can't even do that much, though I will do it anyway.

It has been a rough couple of days and its going to get rougher as that time of the month has started.

Wow..being able to write that out has helped. I'm still frustrated and upset, but not as intensely as I was when I first sat down. This is a good thing I guess.

I need to go lay down for a bit, get the weight off my butt.

Btw: I have been responding to comments in the comment section. I read every comment and I really do appreciate them, thank you.