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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Changes and Getting Stuff Done

As I have mentioned before my brother, Brian, lives with me along with his fiance, Stephanie, and their daughter Bridgette. Brian's eldest child moved in about 5 days or so ago. She is 17 and her name is Heather. She is a sweet, cute, lovable, intelligent person. I'm not sure why but since she arrived I have had more energy to do things than I've had lately. I've spent more time in the living room in the past couple days than I have in months. I've greatly enjoyed talking with her as well. Maybe this response in me is a result of having someone new in the house, which brings new energy. I had a similar response when Stephanie and Bridgette moved in 4 years ago, then again when Brian arrived.

I've been battling with my depression and the apathy it causes for a while now. Both got worse after the yard sale I ran in April 2011 because my pain got a lot worse. It is so hard to struggle against depression and the apathy it causes. It takes a great deal of energy and most of the time I just don't have that energy. I just can't summon the energy. Even worse, I can't summon enough emotion to actually care to do anything. I know this just makes things worse. I know that part of fighting depression is to choose to do things even when you don't want to because medication is not always enough to remove depression.

Well for the last 5 days or so it has been a bit easier to actually feel the desire to fight back and to do things. So I took advantage of it. Yesterday I went through the piles of mail that was sitting on my night stand and some on the desk in my room. Since I pay my bills online, I tend not to open the ones that have the same payment amount every month (Mortgage, car payment etc.). Since I now keep the payment information, including the confirmation numbers on the computer in word documents, I no longer write on the bill itself like I used to. (paid, date, amount, check #) So all the papers were piled up waiting to be filed. I went through all of that, filed every thing, then put all the stuff for 2011 into large manila envelopes ready for storage. I did some cleaning in my bedroom and some in the living room, including cleaning the interior of my desktop computer. I also did our taxes for the year.

Last night was a rough night, very stressful. I did not sleep well, kept waking up from pain. I also spent a few hours talking with Heather to help her deal with things that were bothering her as well as her own depression symptoms.

Today the weather is doing the "waiting to rain" thing. The sky is completely cloud covered, it is very cool and the air smells like rain.

As a result of those three things (doing stuff, stress, lack of sleep), my pain is very very high today. I've been sitting at a 9 all day. About 20 minutes ago my younger niece Bridgette stepped on my toes (one of which is infected and hurts) causing me to lose my balance and fall. As a result my pain is now rising and I am headed for a pain crisis. I took my breakthrough meds in the hope that it will keep me at a 9 and thus avoid the pain crisis, but I'm not sure it will work. It rarely works when it is a fall that causes my pain to go up, specially if I fall on my hip or buttocks as that causes intense jarring of the bones in my pelvis that are broken. Broken bones do not like being jerked around LOL

Despite the higher pain level, I still feel pretty good mentally. I felt very accomplished and proud of myself yesterday, and despite today being a very bad pain day, I still feel satisfied, proud, and like I accomplished something. Those are good feelings. :)

Another thing that made me feel really good today was a package that came in the mail. I ordered a Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie for Heather. Kind of a "welcome home" gift. She is really happy with it and it made me feel good to know she likes it.

OK I have to lay down. sitting is just hurting far too much.

I'm hoping that I can continue to find the energy to fight back, especially against the apathy.

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Thank you for taking the time to read and/or comment on my blog. For people who are chronically ill and/or in constant pain, it can be difficult to socialize as frequently as we would like to do so. Talking with others online is a way for us to socialize, chat with others, make new friends, reach out to others in similar circumstances and many more positive effects.

Knowing that someone has read my posts and commented on it, helps in many ways. The biggest two being that it helps ease the feeling of being "alone" and that no one could possibly understand. Secondly, it reminds us that others truly do care and that just feels wonderful!!

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and/or comment on my blog, it really does mean a great deal to me and is helpful too!