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Friday, June 25, 2010

Stream Of Consciousness Writing

This entry is a stream of consciousness writing, which means whatever pops into my head will be written down. It may not make much sense, but it is not meant to. This is just to relieve myself. In the past I've done this in written journals when a situation that was causing extreme stress was going on and I found that such writings did help to alleviate some of the stress. What surprised me about it was also finding that doing this occasionally made the whirling thoughts either slow down a bit or stop completely. These are the thoughts that are running through my mind since I was told the lump in my breast was not a cyst or infection and a biopsy would be needed. Having lived with this time bomb waiting to go off inside me (due to family history of breast cancer) I did not expect to be this upset, after all I knew this would happen sooner or later (and probably sooner than later). Despite this my reaction has been intense, very emotional, and very convoluted which surprised me. So I'm going to try this here to see if it helps. (Family history: every female on both biological mother and father's sides died of breast cancer, all before age 50. my mother at 44 [I think] and her mother at 31. none survived 5 years from diagnosis) So here it goes...

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG a lump..shit..fuck..its cancer..I know it, its has to be. omg omg omg omg I can't deal with kids, what about my kids? my son..he's just 14, too young to lose his mother. no I won't die, I can beat this. but no one in my family has ever beat it, none lived longer than 5 years from diagnosis. shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck NO think positive, its just fibroid growth, think positive think positive. can't oh god oh god please, please just fibroid please god ok? please? my niece, she's 2, sees me almost like a mom to her, this will devestate her and sam, oh my god baby girl..sam..ohshit..this will kill her she's already very stressed...god please just a fibroid come on god give me a break please. what the hell am I going to do? calm down missy calm down, you can handle no I can't ..can't I just run away? run away from it and hide somewhere? I am so fucking scared. why am I so scared? I've known for many years that this would eventually happen. god that pissed me off when marty said that on Monday "you knew this was a possibility" like that made it any better..know he didn't mean it negatively but shit that hurt and pissed me off, like I wasn't supposed to be upset, like it is no big deal, like I shouldn't be scared, worried or anything....but he's right, I have been expecting this for years, I knew this would happen eventually I knew breast cancer (for me anyway) wasn't an "if" it was a "when" and apparently "when" turned out to be at age 41..I should be stronger than scared, so fucking scared...want to hit fucking scared and hurt and that always makes me angry..don't want to be angry, it doesn't help god please, please god don't let it be cancer, please god give me a second chance..I thought I would be able to handle this better but I can't, I'm failing Ron, my kids, my friends because I'm falling apart. They all expect me to be so strong, so to face anything and just deal with it..but I can't. so fucking weak and fucking scared..vulnerable.. Ron! this is going to devestate Ron, ohmygod I never wanted to hurt Ron and I know this is hurting him..he's so clingy now..he's not sleeping scared..I can see it in his eyes..never wanted to hurt or worry him like this..ohgod I'm failing him, failing myself, failing everyone..please make this go away, please please please...Ron, ohgod I need Ron..I love him so much and I know after his mother's death from cancer this will be flashbacks for him. he told me years ago that he didn't know if he could go through cancer treatment for someone he loves again. he's already had a heart attack..what if the stress of this causes another? oh god please no. please please please give Ron the strength to deal with this..please don't let him die or have a heart attack. ohgod I can't believe this..why now? isn't a lifetime of massive pain enough? Isn't knowing that the pain will just get worse every year, eventually needing a wheelchair and probably ending up in some shitty nursing home unable to care for myself due to pain enough punishment for whatever I have done that was so fucking wrong? what the hell was I in a past life, Adolf Hitler or something? what did I do wrong to deserve chronic pain and now breast cancer? think positive missy, think positive it could still be a fibroadenoma, it may not be cancer. you have to think positively. yeah right, come on you idiot you know its had pre-cancerous changes back in 2006 and after those type of changes a cancer diagnosis often follows within 5 years and this is the 4th year. the damn thing is 2.4cm long almost an inch and wasn't there 2 weeks ago. it grew fast..does that mean it is a very aggressive cancer? ohman please no. so tired..can't do this I just can't. this is horrible so horrible. I hate not knowing..why isn't there a simple blood test to detect breast cancer so people don't have to wait days or weeks and drive themselves insane? I don't even know when the biopsy will be done. why didn't I get the mastectomy in 2006? why didn't I push for a second opinion? why was I so stupid as to believe that surgeon that there were no other surgeons that do mastectomies in my town? stupid stupid stupid bitch. I should have done more, I should have been willing to go to pensacola or tallahassee or anywhere else to get a second opinion. I shouldn't have just let it go. I should have done the stupid genetic test he wanted despite the difficulties of life insurance and all that shit, just to get the mastectomy and lower my very high risk for breast cancer. stupid of me so damn stupid. why did I just let it go? why didn't I push harder? oh god this is horrible. breathe missy will be okay, stop freaking out...<breath > <breath> <breath> <close eyes and breathe for a minute or two>

tumor..solid palpable mass..biopsy necessary. shit shit shit so fucking scared. will the surgeon do the is my best chance at beating it if it is already cancer or preventing cancer if its not cancer yet. but will he do it? God please, make the surgeon do the mastectomy, please god please please please..give me a chance here, for my kids' sakes..please don't make my kids go through losing their mother...please don't make Ron have to relive the worst time of his life..please god. chemotherapy, throwing up ohman I hate throwing up..losing my hair and being bald ohman ohman ..I can do this..I'm strong..I've come through a lot in my life..abuse..sam's abuse and her intense long struggle with ptsd, severe depression, d.i.d all of it..divorces..crap with my so-called family..this should be easier..but its not..its not any easier..this is so fucking hard..this is more terrifying than going homeless with an infant relying on me..ohgod pleasepleasepleaseplease make this go away..please can we do the last 10 days over again lump no nothing..I swear I'll demand the mastectomy I should have gotten in 2006..please god make this go away. come on missy stop being a blubbering baby..just stop this doesn't help anything going round and round like this..STOP IT..I can't..I wish I could because this is so stressful..I keep crying in the bathroom so no one hears me, so I don't upset anyone or make them any more scared than they already are..Kyle's statement when I got home after the mammo.."you're going to die?!?" keeps going through my head..the fear on his face..ohgod I can't do this to my baby..I can't promise him I will live because I might not and then he'll be even more pissed that I lied to him in addition to so hurt and angry that I died..shit shit shit shit..this is just horrible. <deep breath> OK enough of this shit..I'm going to go stitch something and force my brain to stop this round and round..tumor..cancer..its cancer, I know it instincts are screaming that it is..what if its not instincts and just fear..I've been scared before but never like this. now I know what goes through a person's mind after they hear they need a biopsy..this is something I think I could have lived without knowing..I don't like feeling this body has betrayed me again..hell after my back and pelvis I should be used to it, but I'm not. I should have been able to handle this much better, but I can't. I can't handle this with the calm I thought I would. I'm not strong like everyone thinks I am. I'm weak, vulnerable, terrified and small. ENOUGH MISSY! ENOUGH! STOP IT! GO STITCH OR CLEAN OR ANYTHING STOP JUST SITTING HERE DRIVING YOURSELF NUTS IT DOESN"T HELP. GO!


And that is how I finished "Frogging Around" the other day. This crap is still going through my mind off and on today and I've taken 3 naps so far to escape from it. I've done laundry to escape from it. My back is killing me so I can't do housework and vent the nervous energy that fills me. I don't know what to stitch now, I can't make up my mind. I feel like I am alternating between spinning in circles and being lost alone in the dark. This sucks.

I am trying so hard to be strong, to be there for my family and friends so they don't get more scared when all I want to do is run away or hide. I feel myself closing in on myself and withdrawing from others, curling up to lick my wounds. I know it is okay to do that when one needs to, so long as it doesn't last for too long, but I am not sure I can pull myself out of it. This really does suck.

I'm not sure typing that stream of consciousness helped or not, I will probably have to keep doing it until Monday when I find out whether the doctor will do the mastectomy or not. I am really hoping that he will, that he will realize it is the best option regardless of the biopsy results. His nurse called to remind me of my appointment on Monday and blew my mind. She asked me if I was okay and handling this okay, then listened to me babble for 15 minutes. She did not interupt me or tell me she had other things to do. She just listened and told me she understood and that it is okay to be scared. She assured me that Dr. Wong would listen to me and help me make the best decision and he is looking forward to seeing and helping me. She told him everything I had said when I called on Wednesday afternoon. This surprised me but also made me feel better. Is it possible that I really have found a doctor who is a doctor because he cares about people? I hope so because it will make this all a lot easier I think.

Ok I am going to work on Christmas Dreams I think, it is the wip I have that is closest to being finished. I am sorry if this post upsets anyone. Please realize that this was not my intention, I just needed to get it out of my head. I do feel a bit calmer, so that is good :)


  1. *grins*...Every step of the way My Love,,,I shall be there,

  2. Whatever you need from me honey let me know


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