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Monday, May 24, 2010

Acceptance, Rage, Grief and Mental Maelstroms

My mind is running in circles (in a good way), something it has not done in at least 3 years I think. I used to be very introspective, thoughtful, insightful and all that stuff. My mind used to run constantly, causing me to write long rambling journal entries that just followed those thoughts, asking and answering questions while I delved deep inside myself to figure things out. Many times those thought marathons and diarrhea of the pen were focused on others; my children, my spouse, friends, and people in general. I loved it. From those times came many essays about many different topics and those essays would help others understand a topic better or see it from a different point of view and thus understand it even if they didn't agree with it.

I could fill one of these in 3 to 6 months or less
hence the hundred or so I have for a 12 yr period of time.

I have written some essays recently, but none of them were preceded by that whirling mind thought process of before. Before what you ask? Before my condition got worse when I re-fractured the already broken joint and caused more damage thus more pain. Which in turn, caused decreased mobility and serious grief and rage. Grief for what amounts to the death of who I used to be and couldn't be anymore. Rage for the accident, my increased pain, unfairness of it all, at the person and situation that caused the accident, rage for the fact that the injury did not have to happen at all, and more.

I have realized that I turned my mind off and stopped being who I really am. I shut down a little and have refused to accept what happened and its results. Instead, my mind has focused more on what I can not do anymore, what I have missed out on (like teaching my son to ride a bike), and how much I hurt. This, of course, was made worse by depression.

This whole thought process was started by asking Ron a simple question "Do you think I have accepted my condition?" and his answer was "no".

He is right.

So now comes trying to stop the anger and self-defeating habits (both behavioral and mental) that have become my "norm".

I get very tired of constantly having to put myself back together again. This will be the 5th time (I think) in my life. At least this time I am not completely gone, just a little scattered. 

1 comment:

  1. If it makes you feel any better, I still have issues with my back too. Mentally, I mean.

    You. Aren't. Alone.

    I love you very much, Mom. And if you ever need someone to just vent to, I'm just a phone call away :) *hugs*


Thank you for taking the time to read and/or comment on my blog. For people who are chronically ill and/or in constant pain, it can be difficult to socialize as frequently as we would like to do so. Talking with others online is a way for us to socialize, chat with others, make new friends, reach out to others in similar circumstances and many more positive effects.

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