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Sunday, August 14, 2011

Pain, Depression and Guilt..My Triplets

I live every day in varying intensities of pain. Some moments of a day are not too bad, others can have me curled up in a fetal position on my bed crying for mercy that doesn't come. Few people, if any, truly understand the toll this takes on me. Oh some say they understand, and some do. Those who have lived with pain for more than a few days, pain that interferes with their ability to function normally, pain that makes them want to find a hole to crawl into a hide (or die). There is a difference between a temporary pain that lasts a few days or a couple of weeks, to constant pain every single moment that you know will never get better, only worse as time wears on.

Some say that a positive attitude will make it easier. Others say it can't be that bad. Others say I'm making it up,that no one could live with constant non-stop pain every moment of their lives. They're all wrong. Can someone live with constant, non-stop pain? If breathing and having a beating heart is living, yes the human body can continue to function and thus live with such pain.

The mind, heart, and soul of a person however, takes a hell of a beating from that non-ending agony. It brings into the person's life the triplets; pain, depression, and guilt.

The pain is bad enough, but the depression it causes makes it even worse. The feelings of failure, not being good enough, missing out on so many things, sadness, loneliness, being misunderstood, erroneously judged/condemned, treated like a criminal and more. You draw into yourself, hide from others how you truly feel because no one wants to listen to how sad you feel all the time. life partner. All the things I can't do no matter how badly I want to. All the times I am stuck in bed for trying to do something I knew I shouldn't have, but to not have tried (and paid the price, oh the price!) for trying would be worse sometimes so I try and hurt myself for a few seconds or moments of feeling almost normal. Inevitably I fail and guilt consumes me. Family reuinions I can't attend, trips I can't take, meals I can't cook and so much more.

I remember how I used to be and dream of those times now long past. I wish to be that person again, one who could take a simple daily task such as taking a shower standing up for granted, do it without thought or planning. Those days are long gone.

Depression, self-loathing, self-recrimination..."you could have gone if you really wanted to"

I really wanted to!

My body..couldn't.

I'm sorry.

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Thank you for taking the time to read and/or comment on my blog. For people who are chronically ill and/or in constant pain, it can be difficult to socialize as frequently as we would like to do so. Talking with others online is a way for us to socialize, chat with others, make new friends, reach out to others in similar circumstances and many more positive effects.

Knowing that someone has read my posts and commented on it, helps in many ways. The biggest two being that it helps ease the feeling of being "alone" and that no one could possibly understand. Secondly, it reminds us that others truly do care and that just feels wonderful!!

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and/or comment on my blog, it really does mean a great deal to me and is helpful too!