Some say that a positive attitude will make it easier. Others say it can't be that bad. Others say I'm making it up,that no one could live with constant non-stop pain every moment of their lives. They're all wrong. Can someone live with constant, non-stop pain? If breathing and having a beating heart is living, yes the human body can continue to function and thus live with such pain.
The mind, heart, and soul of a person however, takes a hell of a beating from that non-ending agony. It brings into the person's life the triplets; pain, depression, and guilt.
The pain is bad enough, but the depression it causes makes it even worse. The feelings of failure, not being good enough, missing out on so many things, sadness, loneliness, being misunderstood, erroneously judged/condemned, treated like a criminal and more. You draw into yourself, hide from others how you truly feel because no one wants to listen to how sad you feel all the time.
Guilt..my life partner. All the things I can't do no matter how badly I want to. All the times I am stuck in bed for trying to do something I knew I shouldn't have, but to not have tried (and paid the price, oh the price!) for trying would be worse sometimes so I try and hurt myself for a few seconds or moments of feeling almost normal. Inevitably I fail and guilt consumes me. Family reuinions I can't attend, trips I can't take, meals I can't cook and so much more.
I remember how I used to be and dream of those times now long past. I wish to be that person again, one who could take a simple daily task such as taking a shower standing up for granted, do it without thought or planning. Those days are long gone.
Depression, self-loathing, self-recrimination..."you could have gone if you really wanted to"
I really wanted to!