Sunday, April 13, 2014
Thoughts on Depression
Past words echo in my mind..words spoken, heartfelt and believed at the time…yet uneducated, naive words. Life, as always, is a hard teacher sometimes. I remember saying “You’re either suicidal or you’re not. You either want to kill yourself, or you don’t.”…passive suicide was something I couldn't fully understand or believe in, at least not when those words were spoken.
I understood fully sayings such as “I just don’t care anymore”, “life seems empty”. Yes, these made sense because at different times in my life I felt those things.
Depression isn't new to me. I've had my down times, self destructive times, wanting to kill myself times, melancholy, sad, angry and others. I’d had periods where nothing seemed to matter much at all.
But I've learned, yes one can chose to die without actively taking too many pills, using a gun, or any other method of suicide. This manner of suicide is more insidious, sneaky and dark. It comes after “life is empty” and “I don’t care anymore”. It is the miasma that occurs when one lives beyond those stages. Not only does nothing matter anymore, but it matters so little that you can’t even be bothered to use that tiny bit of energy to say it doesn't matter anymore. It isn't worth the effort to say it or write it. After that it isn't even worth the effort to think it.
That is where I got to spend 2 years.
Yes I had periods where my anger woke me up a bit, but it didn't last long and as time passed, those periods happened less and less often, had a lot less energy behind them, and eventually ceased at all. “It just isn't worth it”.
At this point, death is welcome, even desired. Though you can’t summon the energy to end your own life, you find yourself craving it. Just wanting it to happen, not giving a shit about when or how, just “soon”.
This is a horrible place to be. It is where I spent most of last year, empty, dark, just existing but not really there.
I'm working on getting back on my feet (literally and figuratively). Thanks to a major health scare in late October 2013, the severity of my depression finally became clear because for the first time in a long long time I felt something. When my heart went nuts and I thought I was going to die, my brain started screaming "I don't want to die". Since then, I'm trying to get back some life. The words above were written last night while I was thinking about how the last year truly was.