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Monday, November 21, 2011

Little Things Really Matter & Finally feeling a bit better

Well the pneumonia finally cleared up. It took quite some time and 3 antibiotics. Of course, I was able to tell that I was feeling better, at first, because I started to feel my back pain more clearly. Now I am back to my usual pain levels and the rest of my body feels normal.  I still have a bit of a runny nose and sinus congestion, but that's it.

I've met a new blogger. She found my blog and commented on a couple posts. She started her own blog in the hopes that it would help her to have a place to vent her thoughts and emotions. She also struggles with chronic pain due to a back injury which has caused depression as well. Her name is Leanne. You can find her blog here: Please visit her and welcome her to the blogosphere as she can use the support of others.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving on Thursday. I don't know if I will be able to cook the meal and that is really upsetting me. Cooking Thanksgiving dinner has become something I hold on to dearly and look forward to all year. It has become very important to me, kind of as a way to balance out the things I can't do by providing a good meal. On the couple of occasions when I haven't been able to cook the entire meal, I spiraled into depression. This year I am very worried that I won't be able to cook it at all because I am pretty much stuck off my feet almost all the time now. I will do my best, push myself (like I do every year) and probably end up in a pain crisis for a couple days. I will do as much of it as I can sitting down and have others help me with preparation for the cooking (as I always do), but I am really hoping to get through this. I don't know, it seems to have become a major deal for me. Like "See I am ok, I can still cook Thanksgiving dinner!". One meal, even though it is a large one, shouldn't be an indicator of how good or bad a person is, but this meal has become exactly that for me.

I guess it is a good example of how a chronic pain patient has to find other ways of defining themselves and other things to hold up within their own minds as proof that they are still "good". Depending on what we are physically able to do, those important things can vary widely from participating in a hobby, to cooking a special meal, to just doing some laundry to any other action a person can take. These things become the ruler we use to measure our worth and value as a person. As a result, if further injury or advancement of an illness, takes those things away from us the effect is devastating. It hits us directly in the self-esteem. It hurts and is scary. It reminds us that we are not healthy or "normal". It brings worry about the future. It bring depression.

To a healthy person having something that seems so small, no big deal, be so deeply important to a person doesn't make much sense. They often dismiss our fears, concerns, etc. because they don't understand how such a normal activity is not just a normal activity to us. I've heard "it doesn't matter who cooks the turkey. It isn't the food, its the togetherness and gratitude that matter". This is true for most people, but for me it does matter because this is something special I can still do for my family. This is a way I can show how much they mean to me, how important they are to me, that I can still do it so I am not completely useless. To be unable to do it anymore is terrifying and emotionally devastating.

Please, let me cook this year ok universe? please?


  1. Hey Sweetie.....

    I also read the post about the blogs that had derogatory words around the chronic pain patient population. Great writing!! When you are writing about something very passionate to your heart, it comes out wonderful!

    You know I 'get it' and the subject of losing the ability to perform certain beloved activities hits as close to home as a subject can.

    The loss of ability to be at the least--comfortable--during time in the kitchen, with the smallest of movements a possibility for increased pain levels, leading then to leaving that kitchen, and all the food we were so (and still ARE) enjoying cooking!!

    It breaks my heart to not garden anymore. I have lived all over the world, and left a garden that would come back year after year, long after I had left. I still wonder about some of those!! But you know what I am saying.

    It's as simple as this: Our bodies can not DO certain parts of what make up performing a task. Better labeled an ADL, or, Activities of Daily Living. It is how patients are assessed for a certain level of nursing care, and a measurement of where the patient stands in autonomy and need for assistance and any medical devices needed.

    So happy to hear your pneumonia cleared up--had a friend that also got that, and also was on 3 Anti-B's. Remember to up that fluid intake, and finish all your antibiotics!! LOL Sorry bein a nurse right now :)

    Would love to chat sometime, do you have an IM that you use? I have gmail chat or hotmail I think. lol Obviously don't use them much....

    Gentle Hugs my friend----<3

  2. Well said I agree with you completely. Now that I can no longer work I found its the little things that people take for granted that I measure my self worth to. I find it annoying when people say things like "I wish I didn't have to go to work" because I'm envious I wish I did have to, the novelty soon wears off when your in pain and even if there were no pain to factor in it gets boring, day in day out. I miss my job and my friends at work, I felt part of something and felt I was doing a good job but that part of my life is behind me now and it's hard trying to find self worth if you believe your not doing anything special. Thank you for your support and kind words it means a lot to me. I hope that you are able to cook thanksgiving dinner and you don't have a bad time later with a pain crisis. Good luck

  3. *hugs her tightly* You did a very good job this year, as always, Mom. You made sure you didn't push yourself and I'm very happy that you were able to keep yourself from getting into a pain crisis! I'm very proud of you and I'm glad I could help out as best as I could have. You really are an amazing woman and I couldn't be more happy to have you as my Mother and my best friend. <3

    Stay strong, Mom!


Thank you for taking the time to read and/or comment on my blog. For people who are chronically ill and/or in constant pain, it can be difficult to socialize as frequently as we would like to do so. Talking with others online is a way for us to socialize, chat with others, make new friends, reach out to others in similar circumstances and many more positive effects.

Knowing that someone has read my posts and commented on it, helps in many ways. The biggest two being that it helps ease the feeling of being "alone" and that no one could possibly understand. Secondly, it reminds us that others truly do care and that just feels wonderful!!

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and/or comment on my blog, it really does mean a great deal to me and is helpful too!