I did it

I made it through Thanksgiving and I managed to cook almost the entire meal! Better yet, I did not hit a pain crisis to do it either!

We have a bar stool in the kitchen. It is for me to use when cooking or doing dishes, so I can do it sitting down. I haven't used it as much as I should have as I am more comfortable cooking standing up, the way I was taught. Well this year I realized if I wanted to cook the meal, I would have to use it. So I did. My sister-in-law Stephanie and my next door neighbor Diane both helped me with the preparation of everything such as cutting up celery for the stuffing, to basting the turkey, etc.

I had promised my husband that I would stop if my pain hit a 7 or 8, and let someone else finish the cooking. Well by the time it got that high, the turkey was done and everything else was in the oven needing 30 to 45 minutes and then it was time to eat. So I left that last bit for someone else to do and went to sit in bed.

I managed to spend the day mostly out of bed also and visiting with my friends who had come over to share a meal. This year I tried something new. We were all sitting around the living room (my dining room table won't fit that many people plus all the food so we ate around the coffee table in the living room) and each of us stated a few things we are thankful for. I know it might sound a bit corny, but I really wanted to add something special to the day because it felt special to me. I was pleasantly surprised when everyone agreed to it and participated without getting giggly, embarrassed, or anything.

It was a wonderful day!

My back has been more sensitive since then and I have returned to being unable to stand for more than 3 minutes, but I think I will be able to cook dinner more often if I use the bar stool.

Little Things Really Matter & Finally feeling a bit better

Well the pneumonia finally cleared up. It took quite some time and 3 antibiotics. Of course, I was able to tell that I was feeling better, at first, because I started to feel my back pain more clearly. Now I am back to my usual pain levels and the rest of my body feels normal.  I still have a bit of a runny nose and sinus congestion, but that's it.

I've met a new blogger. She found my blog and commented on a couple posts. She started her own blog in the hopes that it would help her to have a place to vent her thoughts and emotions. She also struggles with chronic pain due to a back injury which has caused depression as well. Her name is Leanne. You can find her blog here: http://depressionandpainsucks.blogspot.com Please visit her and welcome her to the blogosphere as she can use the support of others.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving on Thursday. I don't know if I will be able to cook the meal and that is really upsetting me. Cooking Thanksgiving dinner has become something I hold on to dearly and look forward to all year. It has become very important to me, kind of as a way to balance out the things I can't do by providing a good meal. On the couple of occasions when I haven't been able to cook the entire meal, I spiraled into depression. This year I am very worried that I won't be able to cook it at all because I am pretty much stuck off my feet almost all the time now. I will do my best, push myself (like I do every year) and probably end up in a pain crisis for a couple days. I will do as much of it as I can sitting down and have others help me with preparation for the cooking (as I always do), but I am really hoping to get through this. I don't know, it seems to have become a major deal for me. Like "See I am ok, I can still cook Thanksgiving dinner!". One meal, even though it is a large one, shouldn't be an indicator of how good or bad a person is, but this meal has become exactly that for me.

I guess it is a good example of how a chronic pain patient has to find other ways of defining themselves and other things to hold up within their own minds as proof that they are still "good". Depending on what we are physically able to do, those important things can vary widely from participating in a hobby, to cooking a special meal, to just doing some laundry to any other action a person can take. These things become the ruler we use to measure our worth and value as a person. As a result, if further injury or advancement of an illness, takes those things away from us the effect is devastating. It hits us directly in the self-esteem. It hurts and is scary. It reminds us that we are not healthy or "normal". It brings worry about the future. It bring depression.

To a healthy person having something that seems so small, no big deal, be so deeply important to a person doesn't make much sense. They often dismiss our fears, concerns, etc. because they don't understand how such a normal activity is not just a normal activity to us. I've heard "it doesn't matter who cooks the turkey. It isn't the food, its the togetherness and gratitude that matter". This is true for most people, but for me it does matter because this is something special I can still do for my family. This is a way I can show how much they mean to me, how important they are to me, that I can still do it so I am not completely useless. To be unable to do it anymore is terrifying and emotionally devastating.

Please, let me cook this year ok universe? please?

Pain, Depression and Guilt..My Triplets

I live every day in varying intensities of pain. Some moments of a day are not too bad, others can have me curled up in a fetal position on my bed crying for mercy that doesn't come. Few people, if any, truly understand the toll this takes on me. Oh some say they understand, and some do. Those who have lived with pain for more than a few days, pain that interferes with their ability to function normally, pain that makes them want to find a hole to crawl into a hide (or die). There is a difference between a temporary pain that lasts a few days or a couple of weeks, to constant pain every single moment that you know will never get better, only worse as time wears on.

Some say that a positive attitude will make it easier. Others say it can't be that bad. Others say I'm making it up,that no one could live with constant non-stop pain every moment of their lives. They're all wrong. Can someone live with constant, non-stop pain? If breathing and having a beating heart is living, yes the human body can continue to function and thus live with such pain.

The mind, heart, and soul of a person however, takes a hell of a beating from that non-ending agony. It brings into the person's life the triplets; pain, depression, and guilt.

The pain is bad enough, but the depression it causes makes it even worse. The feelings of failure, not being good enough, missing out on so many things, sadness, loneliness, being misunderstood, erroneously judged/condemned, treated like a criminal and more. You draw into yourself, hide from others how you truly feel because no one wants to listen to how sad you feel all the time.

Guilt..my life partner. All the things I can't do no matter how badly I want to. All the times I am stuck in bed for trying to do something I knew I shouldn't have, but to not have tried (and paid the price, oh the price!) for trying would be worse sometimes so I try and hurt myself for a few seconds or moments of feeling almost normal. Inevitably I fail and guilt consumes me. Family reuinions I can't attend, trips I can't take, meals I can't cook and so much more.

I remember how I used to be and dream of those times now long past. I wish to be that person again, one who could take a simple daily task such as taking a shower standing up for granted, do it without thought or planning. Those days are long gone.

Depression, self-loathing, self-recrimination..."you could have gone if you really wanted to"

I really wanted to!

My body..couldn't.

I'm sorry.

Oh Yay..mother nature hates me

To go with a week of sitting mostly in bed due to pain, I get to start this next week with more pain. Mother nature hates me I swear. Even before my back got real bad, my periods were bad. Back pain, bloating, severe cramps and moodiness. It was easier when I was on the pill, but when they took me off the pill it became excruciating. Due to my age my periods have changed. Now, instead of a week, I get at least 2 weeks and it just sucks. Having chronic pain is bad enough, but for 2 weeks out of every month it gets a lot worse. The bloating and cramps cause muscle spasms in my entire pelvis and lower back, which causes increased back and pelvic pain. It really really sucks. It is during the worst 3 or 4 days when I wish I was a man because they don't have to go through this.

Bridgette is sick. She's been running a fever for 5 days now, runny nose, nasty cough but the doctor says it is a virus. I think she needs an antibiotic. Now I am sick. Due to pain from my period I was awake all last night. At about 2 AM I got a sharp pain in my right ear followed by a weird pop and then my ear drained. So I've been deaf in my right ear all day today. My sinuses are all plugged up and I feel exhausted. But part of that could be from the fact that I only got about 4 hours of sleep. I fell asleep around 10AM this morning, and woke around 1 this afternoon but after a bit went back to sleep and woke again at 2:30 or so. Same thing happened Friday and Saturday nights. So I know I haven't gotten a lot of sleep the last few days. I really hate it when my sleep schedule is all screwed up.

I received a wonderful comment from Shauna (from Shauna's Life In Pain ) about the poems I posted. She liked them and said they were accurate about what it is like to live with chronic pain. Thank you Shauna, I really appreciate the feedback! You are welcome for my visit to your blog. I have enjoyed your writings very much and I am sorry to hear that today was such a bad day for you. I hope tomorrow (and the rest of the week) goes much better! I would love to read your poetry or other writing some day.

Here are a couple of pictures to make you smile.

The one on the left is Bridgette. She is 31 months old today and here she is fascinated by her chocolate bunny. She had a good time and was well behaved despite no feeling very well. On the right is my youngest child, my son Kyle who is 13 years old (will be 14 in June). I was trying to get him to smile a natural smile and I finally got one but as a joke he deliberately turned his eyes to the left. That's ok, it is still a good picture of my handsome young man!

Year In Review

Due to my back and pelvis I don't do a whole lot like go to the movies, an amusement park or things of that nature. But despite that 2009 just flew by! The best, most challenging, difficult, rewarding and wonderful part of the entire year was having my niece in the house. At least 5 times every day she made me laugh with her antics. She did something that made me a bit sad as well, mostly because I remember my son doing the same thing at her age (2 years) and it made me remember just how my disabilities have negatively impacted his life. Anyway, there was a day a few months ago where I tripped and ended up on the floor. I didn't fall thankfully, but I knew my legs were giving out so I lowered myself holding on to the chair to save myself from falling. (Would have fallen into the chair but I was behind it and knew walking was out of the question!) Bridgette got scared and started to cry but she stopped real fast when I told her I was ok. She said "Ok!" then grabbed my hand and pulled "Ahma! Bed!". When I was able to get up, she actually led me to bed and told me to get in, which I did. She then covered me with the blanket and said "night night ok?". She was so cute and so serious I tried not to laugh and I thanked her with a hug and a kiss. It was just so cute! Having her here has been wonderful! I've always loved children and did want to have more than 2, but my body can't handle it. I am so grateful that I get to share her life and watch her grow, discover, and learn. Watch her play, laugh, and mimic what we do. It is wonderful!

Homeschooling Kyle again this year hasn't gone as well as I had hoped. Mostly because my back makes things like field trips very difficult. I am determined to make things a bit more fun for him when we start up again after the Christmas break. I am very proud of Kyle, he has done very well. I especially love it when something I am teaching him fires his imagination to the point that when he gets on the computer, instead of playing a game he starts looking for more information on that topic! He then tells me all the new things he has read and how it has made him think of things in a different way. I love it when his curiosity blooms like that! He still hates math but loves science and sometimes he likes history as well.

My daughter Sam has had her ups and downs this year. Learning that she will live with chronic pain for the rest of her life, was very hard on her. Of course this caused her to have many worries and concerns, but she has handled them very well. I am so proud of her! She did not revert to her old behaviors for dealing with stress (violence, verbal abuse, cutting), instead she used all the tools she has learned over the years and dealt with it all very well. She has a boyfriend now, who is just wonderful! He treats her very well and sees her for the person she is, not for her pain. I am so happy for her and I hope the relationship continues as it is wonderful to see her so happy.

DH and I had our ups and downs this past year as well. More ups than downs though, which I really like. He continues to be very supportive, loving, and understanding towards me. He has been very supportive in my bid to overcome the depression that ate me alive for most of the year as well as in my bid to get off my butt more often and do more around here. I am very blessed to have finally found a man like him and I love him so much.

For me this past year has been a struggle mentally, emotionally and physically. Fighting depression is becoming harder for me. Once I get back into the "do nothing" mode because of pain, it is very hard to recognize it and then pull myself out of it. My desire to stitch disappeared for most of the year, though it has woken up the last few days and I started stitching a Joan Elliott design last night (hopefully will have WIP pics for my stitching blog tomorrow). I have worked very hard to get back to cooking for my family, cleaning the house and running errands. I'm not where I want to be, but I have made a start and that makes me feel good. The hardest thing is not beating myself up too badly when I fail or backslide a little bit. Being depressed doesn't help with the pain as it makes it seem so much worse than it really is. It lowers my pain tolerance level and causes insomnia. My pain has been okay over this last year. Not my best year, but not my worst either. Hopefully as I continue to move around, I will get stronger and in return that strength will help me control my pain and even lower it a bit. I know some of my pain is caused by weak muscles that hurt when I use them, not just the broken joint etc.

I'm hoping that I can continue my progress for 2010!

My goals are to continue to do stuff around the house daily, stitch for at least an hour a day, work a bit harder to make home-schooling more fun for Kyle, and continue to fight the depression. I also hope to successfuly quit smoking but I'm not going to promise that one. LOL

Holidays! (Picture Heavy)

Christmas has come and gone. We've had a lot of rain so my pain levels have been fairly high. No pain crisis though, which is good. I managed to purchase Christmas presents and stay within my budget this year! Wahooo!! I didn't think that was possible, specially when I have a little one to buy for (my 2 yr old niece).


She had an absolute blast opening all her presents. She was a bit confused and overwhelmed by them also but she quickly got into the hang of ripping the paper off of each package. She then spent the day playing with her new toys. One of the things we purchased was a fake kitchen, dishes and play food for her. Since then she has cooked and "fed" her Mommy and me many times. She loves the plastic pizza slice and pretends to eat it. She also loves the plastic chocolate chip cookies and pretends to eat them just like Cookie Monster on Sesame Street, complete with all the growling type noises he makes. It always makes me laugh!
 

Here is Bridgette and her Mommy decorating the tree on the 23rd!

Here Bridgette is getting ready to put the Angel on top of the tree!

Here we are putting it up there with Mommy and Ahma (Aunt Missy)'s help!

Here she is ripping her presents open with Mommy behind her!

Here is my son Kyle opening the items needed for Xbox live! (Finally he said!) lol

Last but not least:
 

My daughter Sam opnening her presents!

My DH bought me a very nice perfume and a pretty bracelet that says Love is patient. Love is kind. Love never ends. He is very sweet! I managed to finally get him a book that he did not already have and he enjoyed reading it! We tend to focus on the kids before ourselves.
 
On Sunday the 27th I cooked a Christmas turkey dinner. We did it on Sunday because DH was going to be visiting his children on Christmas afternoon and my brother had to work Saturday, so Sunday was the first day everyone would be home. The dinner came out wonderful and everyone enjoyed it! I was hurting pretty good by the time it was done, but it was definitely worth it and I was very happy that I made it through cooking the whole meal. Specially since I did not manage to cook the whole Thanksgiving meal in 2008 and that really bugged me a great deal.
 
Since then things have been fairly calm around here. My pain is up but not too bad and my meds are controlling it fairly well.
 
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!
 
Happy New Year!

Quitting Smoking

Well I have gone 3 days without any cigarettes. I'm surprised that I managed to do it, but I did. I have a head cold now which really sucks because along with the fever comes body aches and body aches increases my overall pain level. I've been sleeping more often than not the last few days. I figure if my body wants to sleep then let it because the body heals best when it is at rest.

On Wednesday I did a lot of housework. On Thursday I woke up with a head cold. My ears are all blocked, I had a fever, body aches, and lots of sinus pressure. I guess sleeping helped because today I feel a bit better though I get tired quickly and my ears are still blocked. The fever seems to be gone and the sinus pressure isn't as bad.

Due to being sick and sleeping more than anything I ended up not doing much the last couple of days. But I also paid for everything I did on Wednesday. By Wednesday night my pain level was at crisis stage and I ended up in bed. I tried to write a post but I kept losing track of my thoughts and finally just gave up, saving it as a draft and went to bed.

My daughter stayed with me for a while, trying to make me feel better. She is now making fun of me because as we were talking I kept changing subjects in the middle of a sentence so it didn't make sense, but it was hilarious. I hate when it gets like that because I can't remember everything I said or did later on.

My niece went trick or treating tonight as Snow White and she looked so cute!! I'll try and put a picture up tomorrow. Right now I'm going to take my sick butt back to bed.