Little Things Really Matter & Finally feeling a bit better

Well the pneumonia finally cleared up. It took quite some time and 3 antibiotics. Of course, I was able to tell that I was feeling better, at first, because I started to feel my back pain more clearly. Now I am back to my usual pain levels and the rest of my body feels normal.  I still have a bit of a runny nose and sinus congestion, but that's it.

I've met a new blogger. She found my blog and commented on a couple posts. She started her own blog in the hopes that it would help her to have a place to vent her thoughts and emotions. She also struggles with chronic pain due to a back injury which has caused depression as well. Her name is Leanne. You can find her blog here: http://depressionandpainsucks.blogspot.com Please visit her and welcome her to the blogosphere as she can use the support of others.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving on Thursday. I don't know if I will be able to cook the meal and that is really upsetting me. Cooking Thanksgiving dinner has become something I hold on to dearly and look forward to all year. It has become very important to me, kind of as a way to balance out the things I can't do by providing a good meal. On the couple of occasions when I haven't been able to cook the entire meal, I spiraled into depression. This year I am very worried that I won't be able to cook it at all because I am pretty much stuck off my feet almost all the time now. I will do my best, push myself (like I do every year) and probably end up in a pain crisis for a couple days. I will do as much of it as I can sitting down and have others help me with preparation for the cooking (as I always do), but I am really hoping to get through this. I don't know, it seems to have become a major deal for me. Like "See I am ok, I can still cook Thanksgiving dinner!". One meal, even though it is a large one, shouldn't be an indicator of how good or bad a person is, but this meal has become exactly that for me.

I guess it is a good example of how a chronic pain patient has to find other ways of defining themselves and other things to hold up within their own minds as proof that they are still "good". Depending on what we are physically able to do, those important things can vary widely from participating in a hobby, to cooking a special meal, to just doing some laundry to any other action a person can take. These things become the ruler we use to measure our worth and value as a person. As a result, if further injury or advancement of an illness, takes those things away from us the effect is devastating. It hits us directly in the self-esteem. It hurts and is scary. It reminds us that we are not healthy or "normal". It brings worry about the future. It bring depression.

To a healthy person having something that seems so small, no big deal, be so deeply important to a person doesn't make much sense. They often dismiss our fears, concerns, etc. because they don't understand how such a normal activity is not just a normal activity to us. I've heard "it doesn't matter who cooks the turkey. It isn't the food, its the togetherness and gratitude that matter". This is true for most people, but for me it does matter because this is something special I can still do for my family. This is a way I can show how much they mean to me, how important they are to me, that I can still do it so I am not completely useless. To be unable to do it anymore is terrifying and emotionally devastating.

Please, let me cook this year ok universe? please?