Feeling a bit better

but not all the way back to normal. Yesterday I had to pick up Bridgette. It was either pick her up or be knocked over by her. She was grabbing my legs and jumping up saying "Ahma up! Ahma up!". So I picked her up and boy oh boy did my pelvis dislike that! To go along with the weird pain in my lower back, picking her up caused similar pain in both SI joints. ACK! So back to bed I went.

Today is a bit better. I still have the twinges, but nowhere near as often. I still have the areas of higher pain in lower back and the top of both SI joints, but its not as sharp a pain. I'm hovering around a 7 to 8 instead of a 9 to 10, which is better. Not great, but better. I just wish I could sit in bed in a manner that would let me stitch. Since I have to bend forward a little to stitch in bed, I can't do it, it just hurts too much. This is very annoying because man oh man I want to stitch! ARRGGHH!!

Oh well. Back to bed for me.

Being Awake Is Wonderful

I continue to feel much better, more awake, more *there* rather than just hanging around. I still have off days where I just don't feel like doing much, but they are nowhere near as frequent as they were (daily), and the sense of not caring doesn't last as long.

I am slowly working on getting back to running my house again. Keeping it cleaner, paying bills on time, doctor appointments as needed, keeping up with the laundry, etc. etc. All the things I was doing regularly a year ago. All things that lost any semblance of a routine as my depression deepened and intensified. Because of my back I have to take it slow which is more difficult because I want to get things done now, not later. This isn't to say that my house is filthy, my bills are all late or anything because I did do things when I had to, or when the clutter (there are 5 of us living here [we were 6 until 2 weeks ago when DD moved out] including a 2 yr old) got to be too much for me. But its not as clean as it could be, which makes it harder for DH to relax after a bad day at work because he comes home and sees the things that need to be done and rather than relaxing, he finds himself making mental "to do" lists. So now that I am feeling so much better and I want to reach my goal I continued to do chores today. All the laundry is done! Woo hoo!, checkbook is balanced (to the penny! YAY), hung up all of DH's work clothes as they came out of the dryer (so they won't get all wrinkly), did a full vacuuming on the living room. DH moved the furniture and I vacuumed. When my pain hit a 6.5 and I had that painful heavy stone in my lower back and both SI joints, I stopped and let DH fnish.

I took it a little easier today than yesterday because my pain level was up. A side affect to doing more is the pain goes up.But rather than sit around, watching tv and doing nothing (or reading my books in bed, I did a few chores to keep the momentum up.

I am awake right now because it started raining, which raised my pain level and I just couldn't get comfortable enough to fall asleep. I need to be up at 6AM, so when it hit 3AM and I was still awake, I decided to just stay up (even though now I am finally sleepy LOL) because if I sleep now I won't get up to my alarm. My sister-in-law has an appointment at 6:30AM today. Since they can't take Bridgette with them, someone needs to be awake in case she wakes up while they are gone. I volunteered to do that, so here I am LOL

Ron (DH) was telling me earlier today how happy he is to see me feeling so good again. Because the depression caused changes in my behavior to occur over a period of time, people around me adjusted to those changes as they occurred. So, like me, they also did not realize just how bad I had become. Ron was telling me that looking back on the last year the depressive symptoms are quite obvious, specially when he compares how I behaved then with how I am acting now. He says he is really glad that I am feeling so much better and that he loves it when I am happy. I teased him (of course) and said he was just glad that my sex drive had returned. He replied with "You'll be the death of me" and I said, at least you'll go out wih a smile and we both laughed. This made me realize that we are enjoying each others company the way we used to. Lots of sarcastic jokes, lots of cuddles, more talking with each other and all that stuff.

Chronic Pain vs. The Libido

Chronic Pain vs. the Libido


M. Hull © Nov. 20, 2009


Chronic Pain: continuous pain all the time



I live with chronic pain. This means that I am in pain every minute of every day. Sometimes the pain is not too bad and other times it is very bad. For me it feels like my life (and everything within it) is now a battle between that thing and the pain. I’ve read many articles and blog entries about chronic pain but very few have discussed how chronic pain affects one’s sexual desires. For me this aspect is definitely a fight; the desires fighting to survive despite extreme pain or fighting to survive despite the fear that fills me at the idea of sexual activity. With my conditions the more I move around, the more I hurt and intercourse isn’t exactly a sedentary activity. Chronic pain affects every aspect of a person’s life in at least two ways; physical and mental/emotional.


The physical effects of chronic pain on one’s sex drive are fairly logical if you think about it. Pain is not conducive to sexual arousal (even for masochists, constant intense physical pain caused by an injury is not arousing as it is a different pain from what they usualy enjoy). One’s body image is lowered if there are physical signs of a chronic condition (such as scarring). Sexual activity may increase the pain, either by aggravating the condition itself or just from muscle strain. For some, the endorphins that are released into the body during sexual arousal can act as pain control. For many, this stops upon orgasm, for some it lasts a bit longer but for most once the body calms down and returns to normal, the pain returns and usually at a higher level due to the physical activity. People who suffer from chronic pain are often very physically tired and being tired is another drawback to physical intimacy.


Chronic pain has many mental/emotional effects as well that impact upon one’s sex drive. Depression, anxiety, exhaustion, anger and other psychological effects occur. Many of these conditions have a negative impact upon the sex drive and if the condition itself doesn’t the medications used to treat those conditions often have the side effect of decreased sex drive (anti-anxiety meds, antidepressents, blood pressure meds). One’s self-esteem takes a major hit when one suffers from chronic pain. As the pain increases the one suffering must take medication or undergo painful procedures to control the pain. This can cause thoughts of weakness and feelings of shame to crop up. Society is very against medications for pain, often judging anyone who takes such medication regularly as a drug addict (regardless of the condition of the person). We often tell ourselves to just deal with it, suck it up and smile no matter how bad it gets. So when we can’t just “deal with it” without medications, we feel guilty for needing them as if we are somehow a failure. Those negative feelings have a negative impact on sexual desires. Add in how one’s life changes (fewer activities we can do etc.) and those feelings of not being good enough anymore start up and also decrease the sex drive. (If we're not good enough to cook dinner regularly, then how can we be good enough for sex?) The psychological and emotional impact of chronic pain are not always logical.


There are more ways to be intimate with one’s partner than intercourse, but we are human beings and as such intercourse is something we enjoy. Society also teaches us that intercourse is very important and is a necessary part of any loving intimate relationship. Add in a partner who truly does not understand what it feels like to hurt all the time and how it affects us mentally/emotionally and the sexual arena (difficult in the best of situations) becomes even more difficult. People start to avoid it in the hopes of avoiding the emotionally painful interactions that may occur when there are differing expectations and lowered ability.


There are ways of dealing with this, but it takes a lot of communication, understanding, and the ability to be open to trying different things to find a way that works for the people involved. Sex is a difficult subject to discuss under the best of circumstances, when one’s self-image is more deeply tied up in it due to physical issues it becomes harder to talk about.

If your partner suffers with chronic pain and thus has a lower sex drive than they used to have, be patient and understanding. Be open to discussing sex and other ways of being physically close. Realize that we are exquisitely aware of how our conditions affect our loved ones and we would give anything to stop it if we could. Sex is great, but it is not the end all be all of a relationship. The end all be all of any intimate relationship is the emotional attachment that brings the people together and there are many ways to show love!