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Sunday, October 23, 2011

Questions ...questions..questions

Chronic pain is bad enough on its own. Having pain all day long, every minute, no matter what just plain sucks. But no matter how bad the pain is, one's mind can always makes it worse. The never-ending questions, the constant comparisons of my abilities vs. someone else's abilities, the constant comparison of what I could do a few months ago vs. what I can do now. There is nothing that can't be made worse by one's mind's ability to point out every negative it can find, and it can find a lot of them.

My mobility is severely curtailed yet again. My new normal is pretty much spend all day sitting in my bed staring at stupid stuff on the internet. Cooking is no longer something I can do, neither is cleaning or laundry for that matter. I sit here trying to find amusing things to distract myself with and failing.

My brain constantly points out the things I could do just 3 months ago, that I can't do anymore. When it points those things out it includes the thought that I am "broken" or a "failure" or that my DH deserves better than me. It is amazing how debilitating these thoughts are. It doesn't take long before these thoughts bring me to a place where I don't even want to try anymore. Instead I just want to hang out and let each day run into the other until I don't even know what month it is, forget what day it is. I know that means I am depressed but my meds don't help.

I spend every day in my bed, reading stupid crap online and just coast through each day. I can't find the energy to even attempt to make things better for myself and those around me. The idea of even trying terrifies me because I know how I behave and react to things and I know that eventually I will get angry and then I end up saying something that can end up in a fight that causes yet another fracture like the one I got on X-mas Eve 2010 when I was deliberately shoved so I fell and caused another fracture to my SI joint as a result of defending someone from what I considered to be over-reacting abusive behavior. The idea of repeating that has scared me so bad that I hide in my bedroom, with the door locked, all day every day rather than risk a repeat of X-mas Eve 2010. Having my clothing ripped from my body while being deliberately knocked off my feet so my pelvis lands against heavy wooden furniture causing a new break terrifies me.

Am i depressed?? Yes

Am I scared? Yes

Do I hurt? Hell yes. I now live with a pain level between a 6 and an 8 every day, and tht is before I move around or even just get out of bed to go to the bathroom.

Do I feel worthless? yes

Do I feel broken? Yes

Do I feel guilty? Oh Hell yes

Do I wish I were dead? Sometimes

Am I terrified of dying? Yes because what if there is nothing after this life, nothing at all. Just *poof* ..gone. terrifying

I have little to not desire to do anything that has ever brought me pleasure; reading, stitching, etc. nothing. I just want to curl up hide and die somewhere.

I don't want to try anymore. I'm exhausted, broken, and so damn sad.

I feel like I am at the very end of my rope; grasping the tiny threads that are left at the cut end. I no longer know why I am holding on. I no longer know why I try to hold on. My future seems blank and empty.

The only good thing in my life are my children and my husband and I am terrified that with each passing day I am losing the brightness they offer me to hang on to; becoming paler and easier to just give up. The idea that their lives would be happier without me in them is now a very strong idea and that scares me even more. Yet, if I were to quit and die, they would a lot more than they currently hurt as a result of my condition. It is that thought alone that keeps me going. I don't want to hurt the people I love the most.

Sam, Kyle and Ron; No matter what, I love you very very much. You really are the world to me. You three are the only things left in my life (at least it feels that way right now) that bring me any pleasure or happiness at all. Please, do not hate me for my weakness and failings in fighting this pain every single day. Please know that you are NOT the reason or cause for my depression and negative emotions. You three are the only bits of happiness left for me. I would do anything, give anything, to be able to be everything you want me to be; to make you happy for more than 5 minutes at a time.

I am struggling.

I am not doing well right now.

I do not know if I will get better...

but I do still hope that I will.

Hope supposedly never dies...

but right now...
I wish it would.

I am tired.
I am tiny, scared, alone and

Emotional and physical pain
creating hell on earth
hell within my own heart and mind

no real hope
just resignation that hell is all I get
wishing for release
even if release means death
to make it end.

I am so tired